Adolescence is usually characterized as a period of struggles and much learning. During the adolescence period teenagers prepare to separate or individuate from their families. They undergo the process of identifying and forming their own self-identity. Teenagers must initiate this separation in order to discover themselves, their beliefs and their values.

If parents do not support and provide space for the teen to separate, they will often rebel to break away. They will break rules and challenge norms to exert their individuality. So families can expect conflict and confrontation between the teen and his family during this transitional period to adulthood. Some teens may also show defiance to authority figures in their eagerness to express autonomy. So schools and even the police have a role in helping teens to make this transition less painful and more so less destructive to themselves. Thus, growing up especially during the teen years can be a painful process for both individuals and their families, if it is not managed well. However, we must acknowledge that this is a natural and a necessary process for everyone to go through.

So what do parents need to know and do when their children reach their teenage years?

Understand that the developmental changes their teenagers undergo, do affect them both physically and emotionally

Teenagers go through tremendous physical changes during adolescence. Their body matures sexually and experiences hormonal changes. Due to these hormonal changes they may develop pimples and boys may notice their voices cracking. Parents need to know that teenagers become more conscious of how they look and may harbour doubts about their attractiveness to the opposite sex. Here parents need to show understanding and support towards the teenagers struggle to cope with these changes. During this period parents should reassure their teens of their looks and self-worth.

Understand that time with peers becomes more important than you

Many teens will want to spend more time with their peers than at home. Peer support becomes crucial as there is high need for peer acceptance. Parents have to understand this social developmental need and give teens some space. Allow them to meet and spend time with their peers. For parents who are worried that their children might mix with the wrong company, you may want to start off your children with the habit of inviting friends over to the house to introduce them to you. Invite them for tea or dinner and get to know them and their families. This will help you to make a more accurate assessment of their friends. Thus, through these contact times you will be in a better position to provide your teen with the correct guidance and support in picking their friends.

Understand that they may not want to share everything with you

During teenager years you may notice that your child prefers to keep to himself or talk to his friends and prefer privacy. So parents do give your teens the space he/she needs. Parents, where possible should allocate a room or some space in the house, that the teen could call his/her own. Allow them to decorate it in any way they want it. By doing so, you are not only giving them the privacy they want but also helping them to take more responsibility to take charge of their turf. This training helps them to ease into taking adult responsibilities more comfortably.

Understand that part of learning comes from making mistakes

Teenagers are curious to find out what the adult world feels like and you may find that they might be much bolder to experiment and to break rules. You can expect your teen to misbehave or experiment with eg. smoking, drinking, or watching uncensored movies etc. If your child does any of the above, be calm and handle the issue with understanding and open discussion. Do not belittle them especially in front of others. Go through with them the consequences of their actions and if they persist on misbehaving, brave your self and let them face the full consequences of their action be it suspension from school or facing the law. Stop playing the rescuer role.

Understand that part of growing up is also learning to negotiate

Teenagers want a say in the way they are managed. Parents need to work with the teenagers to set guidelines as to what is appropriate behaviour. Clarify with them what you expect from them in terms of behaviour. Parents have to let teens know on the areas they would like to be consulted for decision-making. As a parent learn to be flexible during negotiations with your teens. What you really want is a teenager who is assertive and knows what he wants because this is exactly what you expect him to do when he is with his peers, say "no" when his is not comfortable

Parents do remember that the home is the best place to learn social skills and you are the best role models.

Article Written By,

Ganesan Ramasamy
Family Counsellor
Atman Counselling and Training Consultancy